In the world of discussion groups and social media around Divorce and family law, lots of catchphrases are way way way overused, in my opinion. Some of these include: “High Conflict,” “Narcissist,” and “toxic” just to name a few. Folks, the whole reason you are facing divorce is (no matter the dynamics of your relationship) that you had a disagreement over one or many topics and are moving on in one form or another. Out of that, emotions kick in and even if you aren’t in a nasty struggle with your soon-to-be ex and only able to communicate via legal counsel, the part of our brain that wants to just win and/or retaliate often takes over.
One phrase that you will hopefully hear over and over is the desire to have an “Amicable Divorce.” Fantastic to hear that and I’m excited to help you but more than likely, one of the first things you’ll hear me coach you is that being “amicable” does NOT mean saying Yes all the time, agreeing to things just to be “done” or even doing everything advised by your attorney. What amicable means is an open dialogue about the merits of a situation, discussing the pros/cons as it applies to your family, and fostering goodwill in your communication and presentation of ideas. It means considering what the other party has presented and offering counterproposals rationally and intelligently. It means disagreeing without being disagreeable. You will disagree upon topics and just flat out hate the fact that you are having to deal with unpleasant situations, but being “Amicable” means respecting the process of separation and divorce and understanding that you are simply going to have less money in your pocket and less time with your children.
Being amicable also means working with professionals who engage in fair billing practices and present ideas and solutions to you that are designed to have the structure and facts of your case decided long before it goes through a court system for a Judge’s decree. Being amicable means that while your attorney, CDFA, and other professionals (even your Coach!!) are paid to give you advice, it means that you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse still hold the power to make decisions and never just consider one option. It means you listen to and respect all options presented to you.
If you are truly committed to the concept of an Amicable Divorce, then please let me know on Day #1 so that ultimately we can minimize the cost, heartache, and time involved with the process and get a Team built around you that supports your philosophy. Most of my clients are very happy to learn that up to 90-95% of family cases situations go through the system “undisputed,” which simply means that all the merits and decisions regarding your family, finances, and logistics are agreed upon by both parties and NOT by a Judge.
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